I put my children first

I made some hard choices these past weeks. Hard, and yet not so. 

To stand up for oneself, for one's family, is a touchy business but necessary. 
It comes naturally to many of us -- the "mama bear" -- and some of us do it with grace and good manners.

Unless of course one happens to be a people pleaser, backed into a corner 
by too many yeses and half-hearted mmmhmmms heard of course by others as heck yeahs.

Dozens of books, maybe hundreds, written on this topic,
and I will still ramble on the subject
 for my mental health 
and maybe for yours.

 I don't blog often about my daughter Sarah's chronic autoimmune and anemia disorders.

I don't talk about it either.

Many of my close friends aren't aware of what it looks like to live at farmsuite 

outside of the
prettinesses and the victories.

It's as though we live a Christmas letter 

because I don't see anything edifying about sharing the pain
or the difficulty that is sometimes true for us.

And probably for everyone.

We none of us know what others are facing, really.

So maybe it seems as though we play hooky too often.

Maybe we can come off as noncommittal even as we faithfully attend dance, flute, community theater rehearsals,
homeschool co-op.

Sometimes people say they understand
and then they are mean and punitive about an absence.

And I usually shrug it off.

But I quit the co-op last week, with just two weeks to go.

I did it badly, without much grace.

I feel compelled to explain that I had attempted to bow out just after the holidays,
with a handwritten letter expressing how much our family has been facing and how grateful we were for the experience and how we just needed some white space.

But in fact that letter was received with hurt feelings and I was, to put it frankly, 
emotionally manipulated into continuing.

To not disappoint someone else's child I pushed my family, myself, my children, for months.

Here's what I'm grateful for today:

They forgive me, my children do.

And just possibly they will learn that it is alright
 to put themselves and their loved ones first.