Wednesday, June 6, 2012

I put my children first

I made some hard choices these past weeks. Hard, and yet not so. 
To stand up for oneself, for one's family, is a touchy business but necessary. 
It comes naturally to many of us -- the "mama bear" -- and some of us do it with grace and good manners.

Unless of course one happens to be a people pleaser, backed into a corner 
by too many yeses and half-hearted mmmhmmms heard of course by others as heck yeahs.
Dozens of books, maybe hundreds, written on this topic,
and I will still ramble on the subject
 for my mental health 
and maybe for yours.

 I don't blog often about my daughter Sarah's chronic autoimmune and anemia disorders.
I don't talk about it either.
Many of my close friends aren't aware of what it looks like to live at farmsuite 
outside of the
prettinesses and the victories.
It's as though we live a Christmas letter 
because I don't see anything edifying about sharing the pain
or the difficulty that is sometimes true for us.
And probably for everyone.
We none of us know what others are facing, really.

So maybe it seems as though we play hooky too often.
Maybe we can come off as noncommittal even as we faithfully attend dance, flute, community theater rehearsals,
homeschool co-op.

Sometimes people say they understand
and then they are mean and punitive about an absence.

And I usually shrug it off.

But I quit the co-op last week, with just two weeks to go.
I did it badly, without much grace.

I feel compelled to explain that I had attempted to bow out just after the holidays,
with a handwritten letter expressing how much our family has been facing and how grateful we were for the experience and how we just needed some white space.

But in fact that letter was received with hurt feelings and I was, to put it frankly, 
emotionally manipulated into continuing.

To not disappoint someone else's child I pushed my family, myself, my children, for months.

Here's what I'm grateful for today:
They forgive me, my children do.
And just possibly they will learn that it is alright
 to put themselves and their loved ones first.


Barb said...

Proud of you. Breathe in, and breathe out. Feel your pride at taking care of your family flooding all over you. Now breathe out the hurt feelings that people can so willfully misunderstand.

BLD in MT said...

Hard decisions are often not so hard once you realize they must be done, aren't they? I am glad your decision is now made and done with and that you seem to have a great sense of relief and peace about having done the right thing for your family. Good for you. And while I can't claim to understand, because all illness are different, as an autoimmune disease sufferer myself I just wanted to say that my thoughts and prayers go out to your daughter and your family.

Miri said...

Breathing is good. I love that, Barb, and am so thankful for your comment. And BLD, I grateful for your support as well. See? I don't know whether you'd written about autoimmune issues but I don't recall reading anything but beauty on your site. It is difficult for me to be okay with disappointing anyone ... but I'm learning!

BLD in MT said...

I guess we both try our best to focus on the beautiful, don't we? But, sometimes its just too hard to do. And that's okay, I think.

I am currently off gluten in an attempt to reign in my joint inflammation and correlating pain. It has be a bit blue I must confess. Like it stole all of my cooking thunder.... I don't know what to cook...and I don't like that feeling. So, I just haven't blogged about cooking since. Too sad. It seems silly to write it, but it doesn't feel silly when I am in the kitchen. If the pain was less perhaps it'd be easier to take, but so far its mostly the same. But, I'm still giving it more time.

I read a book recently called Living Well With Autoimmune Disease. It was pretty inspiring I thought. A tad alarming at point as well, but empowering none the less.

More healing thoughts for your daughter today! And peace for you! Have a wonderful day.